This Fleeting Life
*I launched this website on Nov 4, 2020. I had about 12 posts in a queue scheduled to be posted every few weeks. My husband died suddenly on Nov 29, 2020. The post you are about to read was the next one in the queue. I sent a message to Allysa the website developer and said “stop the release of the next post.” She had also seen it coming and had already stopped it.
Now, over 2 years later, I’m ready to share it.
Dave’s death puts an awkward and harsh exclamation point on the message. No one is more sorry about that than I am. But the message is still true and the initial realization (how quickly we’re forgotten) was his and the thoughts that ensued were worked out in a conversation we had about our worries, what’s meaningful and how we want to live.
What Matters In This Fleeting Life
"I forget what you look like." My 22-year-old daughter says after being apart for 10 weeks. Even with facetime and the sharing of a myriad of pictures. I know what that feels like though. I know what it's like to forget what someone looks like.
The truth is we are quickly forgotten. I've spent 22 years with that girl, playing with her, holding her as she cried, talking through life issues, cooking for her, and waking her up in the morning. But after 10 weeks, she's forgotten what I look like.
Here’s an uncomfortable truth; life is short and we are quickly forgotten.
Stick with me. Don’t look away. I promise this is truthful but also I am hoping, encouraging.
How much do you remember about your grandparents? No doubt some will say, “lots!” Some grandparents are very active in their grandchildren’s lives.
How about your great-grandparents?
Now I've lost almost all of you.
It's humbling, isn't it? Our impact, our selves, the identity we spend so much time fashioning and curating, is gone in one generation; all of our striving for naught. All the time we spent worrying about our reputation for what? (And if you think you don’t do that, consider doing something unconventional and see how you feel. We care what other people think. We just do.)
On the upside, remember that thing you did or said that you felt so embarrassed about and felt you’d never recover from because it might live on in people's memories forever? Well, turns out, not so much.
Lest we get all gloomy and depressed about our vapour-like existence, consider this:
Epigenetics is the study of our genes and how they transfer from one person to another, one generation to another. Studies of the grandchildren of holocaust survivors show that even though these children have not faced anything remotely like their grandparents did, and even though they were not told stories of the Holocaust, and even though they are separated by two generations from the Holocaust, they still suffer from PTSD. They suffer to the same degree as Vietnam Vets. That's just one example. Have a google about it. Or better yet, listen to this episode of On Being with Dr. Rachel Yehuda who is studying this. It’s fascinating.
That's the downside of epigenetics. The upside is that while we may not be remembered personally, specifically, what we put into this life actually does live on in our children, and in our children's children. It actually does. In their genes! And for who knows how long.
That’s just within our families and in our genes but we affect people all the time, in all kinds of ways. How we treat each other; the things we say and do either contribute to healing or harm. How we live our lives and interact with each other has a ripple effect. For example, how many harsh and unfair bosses have contributed to tension in the family home? How many times has a kind word, an empathetic listening ear turned your day around and changed your subsequent interactions with the people in your path?
So while you might feel discouraged and a little saddened at the thought of how quickly you will be forgotten I would say two things:
Firstly, the quicker we can get over ourselves the better. For everyone. It is a peculiarity of western culture to be and to have such a fixation with our own identities. Maybe it's why we are so driven, why we scramble to make our mark or be significant. Maybe it’s why we are compelled to be so busy that we avoid thoughts of our own mortality and our own unique significance on the planet. When I lean into this truth I don't feel discouraged (anymore), I feel calmer, freer, and more a part of the Whole. I am part of the lineage called humanity. Nothing rests on me, but I am an active part of it.
And secondly, it makes me more committed to doing good and living courageously. I realize that while my self does not get to live on (I get freer every time I say that), the goodness I put into the world embeds itself into other people and it lives on.
It lives on.
This truth makes me want to shake the fear and self-consciousness from my arms and move through the world throwing goodness like seeds in every direction. Willy-nilly! No holding back! It makes me want to throw caution to the wind and speak my mind in defence of every marginalized person, every misunderstood group and every sad and discouraged warrior of love and justice. It makes me want to throw darts at cynicism and pop the air out of it. It makes me want to be fitter so I have more energy to disperse goodness. It makes me want to write more, talk more, read more, and scroll much less. It makes me want to organize more and get up earlier.
It makes me want to invest my time and energy in doing the things that help and heal.
We’re here for a minute - might as well live fully, do good and not worry about what others think. They won’t remember the specifics but the energetic gifts you generate will live on.
Just sayin’.
Suggested soundtrack from the movie Spirited. Click on the link below for a lighter spin on what I’m trying to convey.
